Planting Seeds of LIfe...
I just had the most special moment with my 9 year old last night - one of those defining moments between a mother and her child that leave a permanent mark. My son was upset. He seemed flustered and angry. There have been times in the past when I've seen him this way and my immediate reaction was to discipline him for acting out. However, I did not do this.
What I've learned about feelings is that there are often deeply rooted emotions that are buried so deep that they end up being revealed as something different - it's essentially a defense mechanism so we can feel safe and unexposed. It's a form of protection so that others don't see us, because if they can't see us then somehow we believe they can't hurt us.
He was frustrated and angry, and in the nine years that I've gotten to know my son I've discovered how deeply sensitive he is, even though that sensitivity is often covered up with expressions of frustration and a sense of apathy. Sometimes he pretends not to care because in reality, he cares so much but hasn't given himself permission to feel what he actually feels. Sometimes he gets angry because unfortunately the world teaches our kids that anger is a sign of strength and control and that expressing pain is a sign of weakness.
Knowing this, I took him aside and I just sat with him in his room. I looked at him and spoke to him as if he was the only person in the whole world in that moment. Children may be young and have lots to learn about life, but they can certainly tell when someone is intentional with them. I believe even as adults, we have such a sincere appreciation for intentionality - I know I do. These are the moments that carve out a sense of identity in a child, a sense of self-worth and value, and it's in these moments that a child builds the courage to be confident in who they were uniquely created to be regardless of the way the world sees them or doesn't see them.
As I talked to my son, his guard came down and the mask of anger was removed, revealing the true feelings of pain and sadness that he felt because someone he cared about had hurt his feelings. His eyes began to fill with tears as he openly talked to me about everything that he was feeling and why he felt the way he did. I stared deep into his eyes as he expressed himself and I could see the internal battle that he was fighting because he was uncomfortable with how he felt. I watched him as he tried to change his feelings into what he thought he "should" feel and as he tried to hold back the tears.
So, I held him and encouraged him. I told him that his feelings matter - that he matters. I told him that he was free to feel whatever he felt. If he feels sad, then be sad. If he feels like crying, then cry. As I said that, he let the tears flow without restriction (and so did I) and he looked at me and said that I was the only one he could talk to like this. He said other people would make fun of him. This broke my heart. As an adult, I know how deeply affected we are by our childhood and our relationships and how these experiences impact us for the rest of our lives. In that instance, I realized I was literally witnessing the world try to take my boy's identity away. It was in that moment that I connected with him more than I ever have. I told him that I love him unconditionally and I don't want him to ever feel like he has to be someone else because God created him to be exactly who he is. I told him God made him with a big heart that loves in a big way and that I love that about him.
We talked more and I encouraged him to talk to his friend, which he did not want to do. Interestingly enough, I learned that it wasn't because he was mad that he didn't want to talk to his friend. It was actually because he didn't want to make his friend sad. So, he had decided to secretly hide in his room and feel awful for awhile with these confusing emotions of pain, anger, and self defeating thoughts about his own value while he built up the strength to stuff away his feelings and move forward as if it never happened. I saw a part of my son that touched my heart. I saw his heart. He loves SO big.
I explained to my son that we are all imperfect beings and make mistakes and that his friend loves him very much and that sometimes we hurt the ones we love without realizing it. I explained that the people who love us would want to know if they hurt us so we can have the opportunity to do something different. I asked him how he would feel if he hurt one of his friends and didn't know. He agreed that he would want to know, but he was still terrified to talk to his friend so I simply asked him to consider doing something different this time and just see what happens. I told him I'd sit right there with him and he agreed that he would give it a try.
When I got up to go get his friend, he panicked and asked me to wait until he dried up all his tears. This broke my heart again. What a sad, sad world. So I held him and I looked at him and I told him again, "son, you don't have to be someone else. If you're sad, be sad. If you feel like crying, cry". He got it. He really got it. So I got his friend and he cried and they talked and it was just beautiful....truly beautiful. He tried something different and in return, he had a new experience that breathed life and hope into him. God is so good.
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