Take My Heart

 Life is hard, but my choice remains. 

I joyfully surrender my heart of stone 

for the new, changed heart He has given me.

Sometimes life doesn't feel fair. And almost always, it doesn't turn out the way we planned it to be. Sometimes what we want, we don't get to have. And I'd love to say if we do the right things and if we pray everyday, eventually we will get it. But the truth is, sometimes we don't experience the fullness of God's plan during our short time here on Earth.

As I write these words, I find myself alone in an empty house. I paced the hallway for the last several hours fixated on the unjustness of sin. I found myself righteously angry because of the consequences and pain suffered by His people as a result of sin.

My son had surgery this morning to have his tonsils removed. I was there. I held his hand. I nurtured him and comforted him, just as mommies were designed to do. I knew everything that one would need to know about their child in order to answer all the doctor's questions. I was there when he woke up scared, crying, and in pain; and I rubbed his head gently and lovingly so he would feel comforted and could find rest.

Then, when he was cleared to go home, he was gone. See, it happened to be his dad's weekend. His father and I divorced two years ago after 13 years in a marriage that was anything but what God intended it to be. God certainly hates divorce, but even moreso he hates the sin that leads to it. One day I made a choice to no longer compromise God's ways for man's ways. I made a choice to turn away from sin and turn into Him. I made a choice to stand for righteousness, no matter the consequences and despite the fear, naturally hoping he'd make the same choice. I had hoped that "doing the right thing" and by giving my heart to Jesus, I would get that fairy-tale ending. But, I didn't. Instead, it led me to that moment - standing in a hospital parking lot alone watching the car with my son drive away.

See, the Christian life was never promised to be easy. In fact, scripture tells us that Jesus warned all who followed Him that they must deny themselves and bear a daily cross (Luke 9:23). The disciples "left everything" to follow Christ (Mark 10:28-30) and Jesus did not promise that life would be easy for them. Quite the opposite actually, He promised they'd have trials in this world (John 16:33). "But take heart" he told them, "I have overcome the world".

As Christians, we should expect to face moments of deep suffering and resistance from the world. In fact, "all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted" (2 Timothy 3:12). But see, when we choose the Christian life, we no longer live for the world. We live for the Kingdom. We make choices from an eternal perspective, not a temporary one. And while many might see us as weird or different, we are no longer confined to a standard measured by what's expected or acceptable by the world.

And let's be honest, taking the narrow path and doing the right thing is seldom easy; but, I promise you this - it's always worth it. And when we operate within this space, we find peace, even in our suffering. And in the same respect, when we compromise His truth for the world, we become immensely conflicted inside and this path always leads to destruction.

"Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many." (Matthew 7:13)

The reality is this life is temporary, and so is the pain, trials, heartache, and loneliness. And where that might sound gloomy and sad, there is actually tremendous hope and peace in that truth.

"For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison" (2 Corinthians 4:17).

I, like all those who choose the narrow path, face affliction and endure suffering. Today was one of those days. It was a long drive home, alone, after leaving the hospital. And all I could think about was how what I had just experienced felt so unnatural. Deep in the pit of my stomach I could feel the weight of sin, as this was never how God designed it to be. I was created to love and nurture my child. I prayed, and I cried out to God. I became angry. Sometimes we even find ourselves getting angry with God. But if we are honest with ourselves, it's not God we are angry with, it's the sin. And, it is the result of sin that brought me pain and sadness today.

It's in these moments, that I must remind myself of God's promises. He promises blessings and fulfillment to those who follow Him (John 4:14). He tells us "that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28), which means that even my life can be redeemed. He can use this moment, although sad, for good. He can use this moment of solitude and guide me to this laptop, where I am typing these words right now sharing the painstaking reality of sin so that I may also share the hope and peace that is available to those who choose faith.

I choose faith. Everyday, I choose faith. Life is hard, but my choice remains. I joyfully surrender my heart of stone for the new, changed heart He has given me.

"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh". (Ezekial 36:26)

And I am thankful for a God who is so good that He can make good of messy situations. I am thankful that my son is ok and that he knows his mommy loves him, even when I am not right beside him. And, I am thankful to receive the love of a Father who loves so abundantly, that I am able to love my boys and others unconditionally with the overflow of the love I receive from Him.

I share this VERY personal part of my journey because I know I am not alone in this fight, and I am convicted to be boldly transparent and vulnerable and share the victories, as well as the struggles, in hopes that it will help others give themselves permission to be unmasked and authentically themselves, just as God created them to be, even when life gets messy. The Christian life is a beautiful mess...and that's ok because we know how the story ends....(Revelations 21)