"Beautifully Broken"

Part 2

"We must walk in the truth so 

that we can get to the other 

side of healing. We must get 

comfortable with being uncomfortable."

In part one, I talked about the scars that we acquire as we walk through life in a broken and harsh world. As a result, so many of us put on a full body mask and hide our battle wounds from others and from ourselves, hoping that if we cover them up, we can forget about them forever. The problem, however, is that "forgetting" or "ignoring" the truth does not actually change what's true and it eventually takes its toll on us at a core level. 

See, the truth is the truth regardless of if it's ever spoken. There is no such thing as a true secret. There is ALWAYS at least two who know: the secret-keeper and God. So again, let's just call it what it is: the thought that we can hide our scars or make them disappear "is a lie". We are who we are, and maybe today that's a broken person. And please hear me when I say, that's okay.

Just be honest with yourself. What are those things for you? Try looking into a mirror sometime. Look at yourself nonstop for five minutes and just see what happens.

What are the thoughts that try to creep into your head in a desperate attempt to be acknowledged, only to be pushed away quickly? Where in your life do you convince yourself you must be crazy or you take on false guilt for even having a thought. What is it that makes you turn away from looking at yourself. Where do you see the pain you've experienced being projected onto others around you? What relationships in your life mirror the unhealthy ones of the past? What situations bring you peace and what situations bring you conflict and anxiety?

What if instead of ignoring these thoughts, replacing them with fabricated thoughts, or pushing them away - you just sat in them for a moment? I know it sounds uncomfortable - and let me warn you, it will be - but trust me. Take a quiet, peaceful moment and give yourself permission to sit in them. Give yourself permission to allow yourself to think whatever you think and feel whatever you feel. Then, dig into it and ask yourself the hard "why's". Discover where those uncomfortable feelings are coming from. Go as deep as you need to in order to find the roots that feed into what you think, feel, and believe about yourself.

Because let me tell you from my own experience, if something feels like it doesn't fit that's because it probably doesn't. Here's what I know: guilt, shame, and fear do not come from God. So, if you find yourself motivated by these things, SOMETHING IS WRONG. You may not even know what or why, but you can at least be confident that something isn't right. Now, peace and joy do come from God. In your quiet moments, this is where you want to naturally settle. That's the goal. That's the hope. But that might take some time, some work, and some healing.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23)

It took me a long time to get to this place. I spent a good part of my life knowing that something was wrong, but I did not know what it was. As a child, I didn't ask questions. As a wife, I didn't either. See, my quiet moments were mostly consumed by guilt, shame, and fear - all of which kept me from doing anything. In fact, those three things create such a nasty cycle that a person becomes physically, mentally, and emotionally paralyzed in it, repeating the same experiences over and over and over again. We think something is wrong but out of fear, we say nothing. Then, when we finally do say something, we ultimately experience guilt (believing we did something wrong), and then shame (believing something is wrong with us). This cycle unfortunately results in eventually thinking you're crazy, at which point you've lost your voice, you feel powerless, and your hope disappears. 

Here's the hope.

It's hard to believe but scars can be healed and they can be made beautiful by a God who uses all things for good. 

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose". (Romans 8:28)

However, first we must face that which scares us the most. We must face those who have hurt us, and we must also face ourselves. We must walk in the truth so that we can get to the other side of healing. We must get comfortable with being uncomfortable. And there's no denying, it will be painful...but I promise, it will be worth it.

My personal journey is one of many trials and a great deal of suffering. I made a choice some time ago to seek the truth and I committed to walking in that truth no matter what the cost - and it was very, very painful and the costs were high. I found scars that I had been hiding for a lifetime - in fact, I had been hiding them so long that I honestly didn't believe they were even there. I found wounds that were still bleeding, expelling the life from my innermost being. I experienced great loss and my faith was tested in a big way. But, I survived and God filled every ounce of emptiness inside me. And, if I could do life again, I wouldn't change anything - because every event, every battle, every scar, has led me right here to this place at this moment in time where I can speak truth into the lives of others so that perhaps they will not have to suffer so much or feel as alone as I once did. All of my life experiences have brought me to a place where I know I am where I'm supposed to be and where I experience that peace I talked about that surpasses all understanding.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus". (Philippians 4:7)

The sad reality, however, is that many of us turn away from healing because we believe we are irreparably broken. And, we turn away because we don't want to go through the pain of uncovering buried feelings, fears, insecurities, memories, and so on. So instead we choose to limp through life as a fraction of our true selves rather than pursue the arduous path of freedom from the chains that keep us attached to the past. 

When faced with trials, sometimes we question God, asking Him "why?". Why is healing so hard? Isn't it enough that we already suffered the pain, trauma, loss, etc. from the events themselves? Maybe we even find ourselves wondering if God can perform miracles, then why doesn't he just remove the pain so we can get to the other side quicker. Instead, however, God often has us walk through the pain and suffering in order to get to the other side of healing. 

I remember so many times begging God to remove the pain. I remember asking over and over again, "why does this have to be so hard?". It wasn't until later in my journey that I understood why it had to be that way. It really, truly had to be every bit as hard as it was. 

Consider this illustration...

Imagine being a child and crashing your bicycle. You begin crying as you hold your knee which has just suffered a deep gash that's now filled with dirt and tiny pebbles that can barely be seen through the blood that is gushing out of your broken skin. A parent rushes over to help you, only it sure doesn't feel like help. It feels more like even more pain caused by the compress that's being held tightly against the wound. As a child you don't know this yet, but the parent knows that this pain is going to stop you from bleeding to death. 

Once the bleeding stops, there is nothing more you want than to slap a bandage on there and be done with it. However, your parent is much wiser than you and knows that if a bandage is placed on the wound now, real healing will not take place. In fact, the parent knows that this "short cut" will actually cause more pain later. So unfortunately, the parent will do the hard thing knowing it will lead to more tears and more pain in order to ensure that true healing takes place. 

The parent will clean out the wound, removing every piece of dirt and every tiny pebble so that everything that doesn't belong is removed. Then the bandage is placed, ensuring that the wound doesn't become infected and get worse. Was this done to hurt you? It probably "felt" that way at the time. But, feelings aren't facts. The truth is every bit of this pain was actually a reflection of your parent's love for you. 

God operates in much the same way. He sees the big picture that we can't see, especially when we are in the middle of a valley.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts". (Isaiah 55:9)

And guess what, you will likely have a scar on that knee for the rest of your life. And, that scar carries with it a story...yes, a story of pain, blood, and tears. But, it also carries with it a story of sacrifice, of a relentless pursuit of healing, of faith, of trust, and of a love so deep and unconditional that someone would fight for you in way that almost doesn't make sense. And although to you, it might feel like a defect or flaw on your skin - to those who know you, they'll see the beauty in what was once a broken part of your body. They will see beauty in the scar. Think if that were your child - you would see that scar in a crowd of people and your first thought would be: "there's my son or daughter" as your heart fills with joy. 

We are not damaged or hopeless. We are "beautifully broken" and we are never forsaken. 

Before I conclude, consider this one last thing: Scripture says that God knows how many hairs are on your head.

"And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered" (Matthew 10:30)

On the days when you feel broken beyond repair, or unlovable, or worthless, reflect on this truth. Think about someone whom you love. Well, I love my sons dearly, and I don't know how many hairs are on their heads. I've never taken the time to count them. Our God did. We are so important to God that He cared to know that little detail about us. He desires to know us that deeply and that intimately. 

And then consider this - hairs fall out from our heads all the time. Yet, the hairs on our heads are still numbered. He continues to know us every day. And if He knows the hairs on our heads, then he also hears our cries, and knows our struggles, and hears our prayers, and knows when we are worried, and sad, and afraid. A God that desires to know His children this intimately does not forsake them. 

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;"  (2 Corinthians 4:7-9)