"Battle Scars"

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Part 1

"We are constantly seeking to 

fill the void inside, to find 

a purpose for our lives, to heal the scars 

we’ve endured, and to find a 

sense of peace that surpasses 

our understanding".

Anyone who has lived on this Earth, knows that life is hard. We all have a story. Think about it. You have ended up right here, right now because of a sequence of life events that have led you to this very moment in time. You are reading this now, by no mistake mind you, for a reason that may or may not ever be fully revealed to you. Perhaps it's for you or for someone you know...

I think about my story. I think about the sequence of life events that have led me right here, right now, writing these words in a coffee shop – an opportunity that would have never arose if I wasn’t currently in a trying season of my life that has me sitting here killing time between multiple doctor appointments. And let me share that when I write, it’s with inspiration from the Lord and each word isn't compiled lightly. The words, the thoughts, and the convictions have been stirring around in me for weeks (as is typically the case when I write) like the seemingly random strokes of a paintbrush composing a picture that unfolds before one’s very eyes. And I always know when it's time to start typing, and now is that time. 

Consider this for a moment...

We are all transforming - all the time. We are not the same as we once were, and we won’t stay as we are now. Some think of this as evolution, some think of it as growth, and I personally believe that it’s an ongoing process of sanctification as we continuously adjust our direction in order to grow closer to Christ. 

Whether you are a Christian or not, I imagine this reigns true for you: I think we can all agree that we are constantly seeking to fill the void inside, to find a purpose for our lives, to heal the scars we’ve endured, and to find a sense of peace that surpasses our understanding.

When I consider where I am now and the path that led me here, I can’t help but be overwhelmed and even set back as I wonder how I even survived it. And like you, I’m sure, I did not get here in one piece. I did not escape the battles of life without many scars that each reveal a story of their own - stories of poverty, lack of security, fear, trauma, abandonment, and abuse.

We've all experienced feelings of heartache, loss, rejection, sadness, pain, grief, and so on; and we've all had those moments when we've wondered where the hope is. 

As a result, most of us walk through life as a shell of a person, appearing to be whole but secretly broken into a million little pieces inside. We don't always admit this is true, but the reality is that we've all likely been there or are currently there now. 

Why do you think vulnerability - I mean true vulnerability - is about the scariest thing ever?! One of my favorite authors, Brene Brown, describes vulnerability as "allowing ourselves to be seen - really seen". Seriously, who wants to do that? Besides, we do let people "see" us...well, the parts we want them to see anyways. That's close enough, right? 

The answer is "no". But that's much easier said than done because the truth is that we are terrified to let others truly, deeply see us. Then, the world would see just how broken we really are. We are so sure that if we let people see us, then we will be rejected, teased, judged, criticized...and so on. We are convinced that we can't be loved and accepted by others as we truly are. I think if we are honest with ourselves, we even avoid taking a good look at ourselves - because if we did, then we'd have to acknowledge that people have hurt us and that we have hurt others. We'd have to face the reality that we are not as put together as we appear to be. We'd have to accept we have insecurities. Gosh, we'd have to admit that we are human!

So instead, we fill our lives with distractions that keep us from acknowledging how broken we really are. We spend our lives trying to be someone else.

We filter our selfies and put on a smile (whether we are happy or not) in an effort to control the perception others have of us, because we can't handle the truth. We think maybe if we control their perception, then we can control the outcome with the ultimate goal of protecting ourselves. And the sad part is, we don't even realize we do this most of the time. 

It's important to remind ourselves that it's not about what we do, it's about our heart behind what we do. In other words, it's always about the "why".

Let's be honest, living a broken life has become second nature and we don't even realize "why" we do what we do half the time. I am just as guilty as the next person when it comes to unintentionally trying to be someone else. For example, I filtered pictures for a long time and never even gave it a second thought. Fortunately, I have people in my life who care enough to call me out and question the "why". Until then, I didn't see a need to take a closer look at why I did that. But, the truth is it's the aftermath of my battle scars - the ones I pretended weren't there. It's because I am insecure like every other girl. It's because I've been teased and picked apart so much that deep inside, I'd rather blend in and not be noticed than to be truly seen because the path that led me here, taught me that being seen is a bad thing and it leads to pain, rejection, disappointment, and shame. 

Not only does this brokenness show up in how we see ourselves, it also shows up in our relationships, or lack thereof. In an effort to distract ourselves from facing the reality of who we are, we essentially feed our egos by buying into the superficial relationships we have on social media as we convince ourselves that we have hundred of friends who "like" us - which by the way is really just a foolish attempt to hide the fact that we secretly have an identity crisis and are insecure and need someone else to justify our existence and to validate our worth because we are not convinced we have any.

Some of us prefer to create a different kind of distraction that takes the light off ourselves and puts it on others. In this space, we unknowingly take on a martyr role, where we pour everything we have into "helping" or "saving" other people. What's interesting though is that if we really take a good, honest look at our heart behind that, it's not really about the other people; it's about us or it's about creating a distraction designed to avoid "helping" ourselves. The reality is that we are actually subconsciously (or consciously) seeking suffering and persecution to either punish ourselves for how terrible we "believe" we are or to attempt to convince ourselves that we can earn redemption through our sacrifice and our extension of love to others. In reality, however, this couldn't be further from the truth. We can't "earn" redemption and forgiveness through sacrifice. Grace by definition is "unmerited favor". We don't earn it; it is given to us for free through Christ's sacrifice, not ours.

I personally fell into the punishment category. See, part of my giftedness is that I see people as God sees them. I naturally love people unconditionally. However, I did not love myself for a very long time. In fact, I was so convinced that I was worthless that I happily sacrificed myself for others. I'd give my time, my energy, and my money away. I wanted to be exhausted and I wanted to go without. I remember one time the air-conditioning broke in my new car during the summer. I found myself resistant toward getting it fixed. There was always something more important than me. And, the vehicle was under warranty. That means, it would have cost nothing to get it fixed. So then "why?". That's the question I asked myself for a month as I suffered through the heat. And, I discovered that I wanted to suffer because I believed that's what I deserved. I wasn't good enough for air-conditioning. And I believed that's what I deserved because the world taught me that I'm not lovable, that I am a throwaway, a disappointment, and that I have nothing to offer, so to get my air fixed felt selfish and undeserving.

But, let's call it what it is: this belief is a lie. I eventually realized that and of course I got my air repaired. 

So, first, our value is not given to us by the world. Culture wants us to believe that - but, it's not true. It's not given to us by our parents, by our children, by our spouse, or by our friends. Our value is given to us by God. And we all share the same value: you are worth no more and no less than your neighbor. That's what's true. Secondly, if my identity is in being God's daughter, then why would He ask me to sacrifice my personal well being? Duh, He wouldn't. Would we want our children to do that? Of course not. God wants us to take care of that which He created in His likeness and image. And if I was created in His likeness and image, then is it possible that I am a throwaway and a disappointment. Absolutely not. 

"So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them". (Genesis 1:27)

And let's not forget, it's not about "what" we do, it's about "why" we do what we do. Social media in and of itself is not bad. Using filters is not even bad. There's actually an artistic quality to photography, lighting, colors, etc. that can be a healthy expression of our own personal experiences of God's creation. Helping others is obviously not bad either. This is where many people get stuck in judgmental thinking and we forget one person's conviction is not necessarily someone else's and it's important that there is a space where that's okay so that the heart behind our actions don't get lost in that. 

I still give generously of my time, energy, and money. However, my heart behind it is very different. It no longer comes from this place of feeling unworthy. See, I realized that I wasn't able to love others to my full capacity until I began loving myself. In the same respect, I know that I have to be cautious and test my heart when it comes to using filters, as well as my heart behind avoiding pictures at all, because I know that there is still a part of me that struggles from time to time to accept a very important truth - and that truth is that God made me exactly as I am and there is nothing "wrong" with me. Truth is, who am I to say that God made a mistake? That is no different than calling Him a liar. So, at the end of the day this is where I get to make a choice to either accept the damage that the broken world inflicted on me and view my battle scars as flaws, or I get to move forward in healing and accept that even the scars are part of who I am and that the beliefs I have about myself are a lie. They are man's truth, not God's truth. God's truth is:

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” (Jeremiah 1:5)

Part 2

"We must walk in the truth so 

that we can get to the other 

side of healing. We must get 

comfortable with being uncomfortable."

In part one, I talked about the scars that we acquire as we walk through life in a broken and harsh world. As a result, so many of us put on a full body mask and hide our battle wounds from others and from ourselves, hoping that if we cover them up, we can forget about them forever. The problem, however, is that "forgetting" or "ignoring" the truth does not actually change what's true and it eventually takes its toll on us at a core level. 

See, the truth is the truth regardless of if it's ever spoken. There is no such thing as a true secret. There is ALWAYS at least two who know: the secret-keeper and God. So again, let's just call it what it is: the thought that we can hide our scars or make them disappear "is a lie". We are who we are, and maybe today that's a broken person. And please hear me when I say, that's okay.

Just be honest with yourself. What are those things for you? Try looking into a mirror sometime. Look at yourself nonstop for five minutes and just see what happens.

What are the thoughts that try to creep into your head in a desperate attempt to be acknowledged, only to be pushed away quickly? Where in your life do you convince yourself you must be crazy or you take on false guilt for even having a thought. What is it that makes you turn away from looking at yourself. Where do you see the pain you've experienced being projected onto others around you? What relationships in your life mirror the unhealthy ones of the past? What situations bring you peace and what situations bring you conflict and anxiety?

What if instead of ignoring these thoughts, replacing them with fabricated thoughts, or pushing them away - you just sat in them for a moment? I know it sounds uncomfortable - and let me warn you, it will be - but trust me. Take a quiet, peaceful moment and give yourself permission to sit in them. Give yourself permission to allow yourself to think whatever you think and feel whatever you feel. Then, dig into it and ask yourself the hard "why's". Discover where those uncomfortable feelings are coming from. Go as deep as you need to in order to find the roots that feed into what you think, feel, and believe about yourself.

Because let me tell you from my own experience, if something feels like it doesn't fit that's because it probably doesn't. Here's what I know: guilt, shame, and fear do not come from God. So, if you find yourself motivated by these things, SOMETHING IS WRONG. You may not even know what or why, but you can at least be confident that something isn't right. Now, peace and joy do come from God. In your quiet moments, this is where you want to naturally settle. That's the goal. That's the hope. But that might take some time, some work, and some healing.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23)

It took me a long time to get to this place. I spent a good part of my life knowing that something was wrong, but I did not know what it was. As a child, I didn't ask questions. As a wife, I didn't either. See, my quiet moments were mostly consumed by guilt, shame, and fear - all of which kept me from doing anything. In fact, those three things create such a nasty cycle that a person becomes physically, mentally, and emotionally paralyzed in it, repeating the same experiences over and over and over again. We think something is wrong but out of fear, we say nothing. Then, when we finally do say something, we ultimately experience guilt (believing we did something wrong), and then shame (believing something is wrong with us). This cycle unfortunately results in eventually thinking you're crazy, at which point you've lost your voice, you feel powerless, and your hope disappears. 

Here's the hope.

It's hard to believe but scars can be healed and they can be made beautiful by a God who uses all things for good. 

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose". (Romans 8:28)

However, first we must face that which scares us the most. We must face those who have hurt us, and we must also face ourselves. We must walk in the truth so that we can get to the other side of healing. We must get comfortable with being uncomfortable. And there's no denying, it will be painful...but I promise, it will be worth it.

My personal journey is one of many trials and a great deal of suffering. I made a choice some time ago to seek the truth and I committed to walking in that truth no matter what the cost - and it was very, very painful and the costs were high. I found scars that I had been hiding for a lifetime - in fact, I had been hiding them so long that I honestly didn't believe they were even there. I found wounds that were still bleeding, expelling the life from my innermost being. I experienced great loss and my faith was tested in a big way. But, I survived and God filled every ounce of emptiness inside me. And, if I could do life again, I wouldn't change anything - because every event, every battle, every scar, has led me right here to this place at this moment in time where I can speak truth into the lives of others so that perhaps they will not have to suffer so much or feel as alone as I once did. All of my life experiences have brought me to a place where I know I am where I'm supposed to be and where I experience that peace I talked about that surpasses all understanding.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus". (Philippians 4:7)

The sad reality, however, is that many of us turn away from healing because we believe we are irreparably broken. And, we turn away because we don't want to go through the pain of uncovering buried feelings, fears, insecurities, memories, and so on. So instead we choose to limp through life as a fraction of our true selves rather than pursue the arduous path of freedom from the chains that keep us attached to the past. 

When faced with trials, sometimes we question God, asking Him "why?". Why is healing so hard? Isn't it enough that we already suffered the pain, trauma, loss, etc. from the events themselves? Maybe we even find ourselves wondering if God can perform miracles, then why doesn't he just remove the pain so we can get to the other side quicker. Instead, however, God often has us walk through the pain and suffering in order to get to the other side of healing. 

I remember so many times begging God to remove the pain. I remember asking over and over again, "why does this have to be so hard?". It wasn't until later in my journey that I understood why it had to be that way. It really, truly had to be every bit as hard as it was. 

Consider this illustration...

Imagine being a child and crashing your bicycle. You begin crying as you hold your knee which has just suffered a deep gash that's now filled with dirt and tiny pebbles that can barely be seen through the blood that is gushing out of your broken skin. A parent rushes over to help you, only it sure doesn't feel like help. It feels more like even more pain caused by the compress that's being held tightly against the wound. As a child you don't know this yet, but the parent knows that this pain is going to stop you from bleeding to death. 

Once the bleeding stops, there is nothing more you want than to slap a bandage on there and be done with it. However, your parent is much wiser than you and knows that if a bandage is placed on the wound now, real healing will not take place. In fact, the parent knows that this "short cut" will actually cause more pain later. So unfortunately, the parent will do the hard thing knowing it will lead to more tears and more pain in order to ensure that true healing takes place. 

The parent will clean out the wound, removing every piece of dirt and every tiny pebble so that everything that doesn't belong is removed. Then the bandage is placed, ensuring that the wound doesn't become infected and get worse. Was this done to hurt you? It probably "felt" that way at the time. But, feelings aren't facts. The truth is every bit of this pain was actually a reflection of your parent's love for you. 

God operates in much the same way. He sees the big picture that we can't see, especially when we are in the middle of a valley.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts". (Isaiah 55:9)

And guess what, you will likely have a scar on that knee for the rest of your life. And, that scar carries with it a story...yes, a story of pain, blood, and tears. But, it also carries with it a story of sacrifice, of a relentless pursuit of healing, of faith, of trust, and of a love so deep and unconditional that someone would fight for you in way that almost doesn't make sense. And although to you, it might feel like a defect or flaw on your skin - to those who know you, they'll see the beauty in what was once a broken part of your body. They will see beauty in the scar. Think if that were your child - you would see that scar in a crowd of people and your first thought would be: "there's my son or daughter" as your heart fills with joy. 

We are not damaged or hopeless. We are "beautifully broken" and we are never forsaken. 

Before I conclude, consider this one last thing: Scripture says that God knows how many hairs are on your head.

"And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered" (Matthew 10:30)

On the days when you feel broken beyond repair, or unlovable, or worthless, reflect on this truth. Think about someone whom you love. Well, I love my sons dearly, and I don't know how many hairs are on their heads. I've never taken the time to count them. Our God did. We are so important to God that He cared to know that little detail about us. He desires to know us that deeply and that intimately. 

And then consider this - hairs fall out from our heads all the time. Yet, the hairs on our heads are still numbered. He continues to know us every day. And if He knows the hairs on our heads, then he also hears our cries, and knows our struggles, and hears our prayers, and knows when we are worried, and sad, and afraid. A God that desires to know His children this intimately does not forsake them. 

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;"  (2 Corinthians 4:7-9)